We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
