i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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