census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
