i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
