Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
