hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
