Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
