Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
