Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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