You work out of a Hotel?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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