So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
