I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
