I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
