Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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