just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
