Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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