My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
