im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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