you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
