it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I pour the whiskey from now on
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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