my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
