porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
