I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
