It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
