You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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