glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
