the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
