I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
