Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
