Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
They have beer where we have blood.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
