my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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