My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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