It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize