I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
