i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
