wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My life is pants optional.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
