My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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