I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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