Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
