I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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