Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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