i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
