I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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