Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize