i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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