well I can't set my house on fire every night
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
