I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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