Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
