Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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