There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
