So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
