So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
