I checked into jail on foursquare
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
