you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
