I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
