In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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