when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
