Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
