im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
sex in a hospital.. check
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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